no other way out but out

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the thought of taking one’s own life is a serious thought. a serious thought that indicates a serious problem or a problem taken way too seriously. whatever the case may be, the thought of taking one’s own life — no other way out but out — is desperation.

the thought of taking one’s own life is never — almost never — articulated, especially to the people who will be most affected by its achievement, namely, your loved ones or your immediate family… until it’s too late. but ironically the thought of taking one’s own life is really a matter too private and too delicate to articulate, especially to your loved ones.

telling your loved ones that you are planning to take your own life complicates matters in your head. it either increases their awareness of your presence and their involvement in your life and thoughts, that it becomes an extra burden that takes away your thought that there is no other way out but out. or you might get lectured in return thus galvanizing your resolve that there really is no other way out but out, because your ears can only take in too much.

thinking — and believing — that there is no other way out but out, is desperation. obviously, this is how you feel, that there’s no other way out of your problem in this life but out.

but taking one’s own life solves only one problem: the feeling that there’s no other way out of your problem but out. the problem is still there, you are not. however, your precipitate decision spawns multiple problems for those you will leave behind, including your dog.

taking one’s own life only works best with people who have no family and friends who care. or a pet. but that is exactly the mindset of people who entertain the thought that there is no other way out but out — that is, that no one cares. but people (loved ones, family and friends) really care. they care enough to get hurt even over the fact that you’d thought there’s no other way out but out.

they probably just weren’t there when you felt you needed them — when you felt you were crouched crippled in the shadows, and they can’t see you. or though they were there, you felt they did not see you.

it is a form of escape, taking one’s own life. escape from the responsibility of having to care about others. it is ironic that the feeling that no one cares for you brings you to care for no one but yourself. this is the first thought your friends and loved ones who you left bitterly would entertain — that you were too selfish. and you are — or were, because by now you’re already out.

too selfish to care about the grief you caused. too selfish to care about the trouble you brought. and too selfish to care about the expense that your burial would entail. unless you signed a demand note that you be left alone where you got out and be left to rot there.

but even this becomes an inconvenience for those who’d pass by your exit point. but even the government won’t allow this and would spend for your burial or cremation if no one else will. but if someone or some may care for you to give you a decent wake and burial, it’s still an inconvenience for them.

even if your own personal estate pays for all the expenses, time will stand still for those you left, family and friends. and they all, most of them, will grieve your demise for days. and you’d leave them ever wondering why you did it, why you concluded that there is no other way out of your problem but out, why you took your own life… until they forget.

so, don’t believe that there is no other way out but out. and don’t literally jump to a conclusion! hang in there… oops!

i’m out.

Casa Lillibelle: Monet II

Ayoko ng masyadong maraming tao, ingay, at ligalig. Sapat na ang dami, ingay, at ligalig ng pamilya ko para sa katinuan ng isip ko.

Kaya’t gustong-gusto ko ang nagtagpuan naming bakasyunan sa Casa Lillibelle resort, sa Cabangan, Zambales.

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Madadaanan ito sa Daang 306 (sa mapa) mga 200 kms mula sa Maynila.

Sapat lang ang dami ng taong kayang ilulan ng lugar, para sa dami ng tao, ingay, at ligalig na kayang tanggapin ng kaisipan ko.

May kani-kaniyang kusina, lababo, kalan, at ihawan ang bawat malaking kubo sa resort. Ang maliliit ay wala. May refrigerator na pinagsasaluhan, na may kani-kaniyang nakabukod na lagayan ng pagkain. At bagamat ang hugasan ay pinagsasaluhan din, maraming tubig.

Suki kami dito sa Casa Lillibelle. Subalit hindi lang kami. Ang nakasabay namin ngayong pasko ay suki rin ng lugar, ayon kay MJ Ungco, na may-ari ng resort. Ang anak kong panganay naman ay suking-suki sa resort.

Mas higit na tahimik ngayong pasko kaysa noong Mahal na Araw na huli kaming naparito. At mas higit na tahimik ang kaisipan ko.

Mabait at makwento ang mag-asawang MJ at Joanne. Mapa-ingles o mapa-tagalog, makikipagkwentuhan sila sa inyo.

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MJ, Joanne at baby Monet II.

Hindi na rin sila iba sa amin. Samakatuwid, sa pagkakataong ito, ipinakilala nila sa amin ang 2 buwang sanggol nilang lalaki (ika-apat na lalaki) na si Monet II. Ipinangalan sya kay MJ na ang tunay na pangalan ay Monet (ang pagbigkas ay mo-neih na may ‘silent T’, hango sa pangalan ng tanyag na French impressionist painter noong 1900’s na si Oscar-Claude Monet.)

Tuwang-tuwa ang pamilya ko kay Monet II, lalo na’t dahil pinayagan sila ni Joanne na kargahin sya.

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Sabi namin kay MJ, isang lalaki na lang, may basketball team na sya!

May 2 ‘Certified Lifeguard’ ang Casa Lillibelle kahit maliit na resort lang ito. Dalawang anak na lalaki ni MJ at Joanne ay ‘Certified Lifeguard’. Mababait, magagalang, at matulungin ang mga tauhan nila sa resort.

May 2 bagong kuwarto sa bagong gawang 3rd floor. Bagamat mas maliit ang lugar, kumpleto ito sa mga ‘amenities’ tulad ng kalan at refrigerator. May TV din.

Kung ang ibang kuwarto ang lulan ay 8 katao, dito sa bago 4 lang. Kung gusto mo lang magkulong sa kwarto — magbasa ng libro, magluto, o manood ng TV — at ayaw mong maarawan sa labas, mainam ito.

Tanaw ang dagat, na ilang hakbang lang ang layo, at dinig ang hampas ng mga alon, mula sa balkonahe ng kwarto.

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Sulit sa halagang ibinabayad namin ang magbakasyon sa Casa Lillibelle. Babalik ba ako sa Casa Lillibelle???

“I’ll be back!”