no other way out but out

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the thought of taking one’s own life is a serious thought. a serious thought that indicates a serious problem or a problem taken way too seriously. whatever the case may be, the thought of taking one’s own life — no other way out but out — is desperation.

the thought of taking one’s own life is never — almost never — articulated, especially to the people who will be most affected by its achievement, namely, your loved ones or your immediate family… until it’s too late. but ironically the thought of taking one’s own life is really a matter too private and too delicate to articulate, especially to your loved ones.

telling your loved ones that you are planning to take your own life complicates matters in your head. it either increases their awareness of your presence and their involvement in your life and thoughts, that it becomes an extra burden that takes away your thought that there is no other way out but out. or you might get lectured in return thus galvanizing your resolve that there really is no other way out but out, because your ears can only take in too much.

thinking — and believing — that there is no other way out but out, is desperation. obviously, this is how you feel, that there’s no other way out of your problem in this life but out.

but taking one’s own life solves only one problem: the feeling that there’s no other way out of your problem but out. the problem is still there, you are not. however, your precipitate decision spawns multiple problems for those you will leave behind, including your dog.

taking one’s own life only works best with people who have no family and friends who care. or a pet. but that is exactly the mindset of people who entertain the thought that there is no other way out but out — that is, that no one cares. but people (loved ones, family and friends) really care. they care enough to get hurt even over the fact that you’d thought there’s no other way out but out.

they probably just weren’t there when you felt you needed them — when you felt you were crouched crippled in the shadows, and they can’t see you. or though they were there, you felt they did not see you.

it is a form of escape, taking one’s own life. escape from the responsibility of having to care about others. it is ironic that the feeling that no one cares for you brings you to care for no one but yourself. this is the first thought your friends and loved ones who you left bitterly would entertain — that you were too selfish. and you are — or were, because by now you’re already out.

too selfish to care about the grief you caused. too selfish to care about the trouble you brought. and too selfish to care about the expense that your burial would entail. unless you signed a demand note that you be left alone where you got out and be left to rot there.

but even this becomes an inconvenience for those who’d pass by your exit point. but even the government won’t allow this and would spend for your burial or cremation if no one else will. but if someone or some may care for you to give you a decent wake and burial, it’s still an inconvenience for them.

even if your own personal estate pays for all the expenses, time will stand still for those you left, family and friends. and they all, most of them, will grieve your demise for days. and you’d leave them ever wondering why you did it, why you concluded that there is no other way out of your problem but out, why you took your own life… until they forget.

so, don’t believe that there is no other way out but out. and don’t literally jump to a conclusion! hang in there… oops!

i’m out.

i don’t think so

normal people do not — cannot — really understand what people suffering from depression go through.  yes, they try — but that’s about it… try.  but try as they might, they really cannot understand.  they are normal people.

but the people who do understand, leave us alone.  this is good; because they know they can neither say nor do anything to cure us.  the best they can do is help alleviate some sadness — through shared laughter or productive activity.  (this creates a helpful distraction for the depressed mind to focus temporarily on something other than its own miserable condition.)  but just by being there, the people who understand, unknowingly (or knowingly) offer an anchor of hope.  these people can pull you up and out when your “knees” are strong enough to stand — but for now, their being there already offers a lifeline.

lecturing doesn’t help — you cannot talk a person out of depression — it only makes matters worse.  it feels like being run over by a car after having been hit by another.

i also do not want to talk about my depression — the whys and wherefores.  i want to talk about something else — anything and everything else — altogether.  people who try to understand let you talk about your depression so they can try harder to understand.  but they can’t.  all they can is try.  they may suppose that talking about your depression will help you out of it.  they are completely mistaken.  the contrary is true.  the moment i talk about the whys and wherefores of my depression, i get darned more depressed.  is this what will bring me up and out of this misery???

i don’t think so.